<11.0> Google search "soonjin"

Bored.

Went to google page and type "soonjin".

My blogspot yields the first results....haha...not bad at all

Then i tried Yahoo search engine....guess what ......the first result is narrowband.blogspot.com

My blogspot is also there....in the 4th place....cool....

Nth much actually......just that those are real encouragement for me to blog.

<10.0> Loving Memories

Today is the 21st day since my father's death.In chinese(or Buddism rather) the family members have to pray this pray that(it is the 3rd week).....so i supposed in Penang,my sis and my aunts are busy enough preparing food + flowers + fruits for my father.Hope that my sis is more ok emotionally by now......it is harder for her coz she has been staying with my father while i am studying in malacca....

Suddenly there are memories flashing on my mind...

-He taught me to sing 小城故事 by Theresa Teng.
-He said he wanna come Malacca to visit me(i was kind of worried where to bring him to jalan jalan in Malacca....u know la...Malacca got nth much to see 1....Penang is much more interesting ...)
(But he did not manage to visit me in malacca...not even once...*sigh*)
-He said wanna see me graduating...wearing the mortar board...with the "clothes" that harry potter always wear 1.
-He said he wanna see my gf.I have been with this girl for 3 and 1/2 years liao...din bring her back to penang to see my papa before.i asked him to come to malacca to see her instead.he said ok.................
-He said that he will recover when i was taking care of him in the hospital.
-And he told me death is also a part of life......


He kind of cheated me...he din pay me a visit in malacca...he din live long enough to see me graduating...he din manage to see my gf also...


Suddenly so many things rushed into my head.....there is simply too much to write...and i guess mentioning all that might just make me even sadder....


I remembered in Form 4 or Form 5 that time....we studied literature...there is one poem....forgotten the author's name...but the title is sth like "There has been a death in the opposite house"........The poem says that if there is a death,the family members will go through 3 stages

1.numbness(u dont feel sad...u will feel "nth")

2.sorrow(sad/grief-stricken)

3.acceptance(u know that sadness is not goinna bring him back,so u just accept it)


I guess i am in stage 2 now......I dowan this sad feeling...but at the same time i dowan to forget him....but thinking of him makes me sad....

Again...how are you? You got miss me/us ma?

I hope that u can achieve Nirvana(as told by the Siamese monk...who came to pray for my father during his funeral)

I have grown up liao....Papa,i know how to take care/protect myself liao...Don worry for me....rest in peace.

I love you,always.

<9.0> I will always remember you

Long time no see everyone...school reopen liao....long time din update my post,just came back from penang...my father passed away on 4th Feb 2006(btw 4th Feb is my sister's birthday,so u can imagine how sad she was/is)

Stunned arent you?

So am i too.

He died of liver cancer.Terminal stage.Cant do chemo(too weak was his body,the doctor was afraid that chemo might end his life rightaway),cant do surgery(the tumors are everywhere on the liver)...his body weight kept dropping...thin until the eyeball became very big...can see his bones.....too skinny liao....the skin very yellowish(is jaundice i suppose coz the liver was almost completely damaged liao).....the urine very yellow+reddish until like teh-o already.He was too weak to walk to the toilet...the doctor asked us not to let him walk to toilet(even though he keep saying he wanna go toilet himself)...have to use the thing to wee wee 1....and later we switched to adult pampers coz he keep urinating on the bed....probably hard to tahan....or difficult for him to tell us that he wanna urinate.....i cant suffer for him...i can only see how uncomfortable and painful he was....i very sam tung..but there is nth i can do for him....i feel very useless....should have taken medical....(but my friends told me that even if i am a doctor..i also cant help him since the doctors in the hospital already stop giving medicine to treat cancer to him)

Some flashback :
In 2003 he was diagnosed of having rectum cancer.The doctor arranged a operation for him to remove the rectum that contained cancer.Then he underwent chemotherapy and radiotherapy. Everything went well. Soon he recovered from it.

Last year(2005),my uncle called.He said my father is sick again,this time is even more serious.Later i called him,he told me he is just fine.Just need to continue doing chemo and he will be ok.Later my sis told me that the cancer has spread to the liver...The doctor asked him to take chemotherapy(6 times,everytime the medicine is given intravenously into his veins,this is done every two weeks).After the course of chemo,the doctor said that the medicine is only controlling the size of the tumor,meaning the size is still the same,just that it didnt get bigger/worse.(chemotherapy is supposed to shrink the tumor....and if the doctor feels that the tumor is small enough,then he might consider surgically remove it/resection)

And then the doctor suggest him to do another 3 more chemotherapy on every two weeks basis also.The doctor arranged the first chemo for him on 16th January 2006.Too bad he cant wait until 16th....his condition already worsen....he was admitted to the hospital on 12th Jan.Dr said he was too weak for chemo.He survived for another 3 weeks plus....he passed away on 4th Feb 2006(which is my sis's brithday).

(Later i came to notice that there are many things(about his sickness) that i duno....even my aunt and uncles they all know better than me about his sickness.My aunts they all told me (during his funeral)that he dowan me to worry so much)


Nvm la...ppl will die eventually. At least he is not suffering anymore...maybe he is in heaven ,living happily and watching me rite now....i duno...but i just wanna ask/tell him.

"how are you,papa?? You ok now?"


"and i love you....will always always remember you"


So i hope that all of you who are reading this....cherish ur parents....be thankful.